Futerlovesickernick (Warning: Mopey Blog Post)

Jesus, It says I haven't updated this blog since July.  I started this blogspot to write longer form, serious, non-Basketball, non Cat-related posts.  Well here goes...

I'm someone who bounces through phases of wanting a partner and not wanting a partner.  I usually end up concluding that I'd rather wake up every day and do whatever I please, rather than balancing my schedule around my companion's.  My late 20's have all been spent as a bachelor and I'm a creature of comfort.  For the most part this lifestyle pleases me, but, lately, this hasn't been the case.  I've been crying at random times for what appears to be no good reason.  I feel like Carmela Soprano in this episode of The Sopranos when she starts sobbing during a dog food commercial.  I've thrown records on and sat in silence, brooding.  I've even started an ok cupid account, which makes me feel very slimy and uncomfortable.  But, of course, our emotions don't just appear out of the ether and all signs point to a heavy heart.  I suppose it's no accident that this is coinciding with Valentine's Day.

I write songs sometimes and they're almost always motivated by love.  Now my entire life seems to be heading in this same direction.  I'm currently writing this, listening to Sufjan Stevens and that sort of says it all.  My biggest issue at the moment is that I simply haven't known what to do with myself.  A long time ago I would've sat around and sulked, but now I have to just pour these emotions into all the other areas of my life: my work, my friends, my cats (sorry I know I said there wouldn't be any cat-related stuff here, but they're SO CUTE).  Seriously, though, on this day I make a vow to myself to not get weighed down by this old heart of mine and, instead I vow to raise it up above my head and use it to my benefit.


Happy Valentine's Day.

(Updated) Future Life Partner Checklist

A little over a year ago I made a list of the requirements that must be met by my future Lover-4-Lyfe.  Here is an updated version of that list.

Lover Requirements:

-UP FOR ADVENTURES- Can't hang with potheads who just chill all the time anymore.  That was cool in college, but you need to have a lust for life.  We need to be able to take spontaneous road trips, have 4 hour dinners,  go hiking/running, and on and on...

-COMEDIAN'S SENSE OF HUMOR, POET'S HEART-You better like to laugh because I need someone who's going to feel my jokes.  Also, we have to be able to crack up at silly things together.  On the other side, you've gots to be sensitive enough, girl.  I need to be with someone who isn't embarrassed to fully feel their experiences.  We have to be able to cry together as much as laugh together.

-SPIRITUALITY-I believe, whole-heartedly, in the workings on The Universe and I can't hang with someone who thinks everything is random and meaningless.  *Sidenote: "I Heart Huckabees" must be a movie you connect deeply to.  Like for real.

-STRONG, BUT NOT TOO SERIOUS-I'm looking for a real tough cookie, a woman who fully owns who they are.  We all have our insecurities, but you gotta be a strong, confident woman.  In my book toughness is just as hot as musicality.  You shouldn't let anyone push you around.  Feel free to push me around a little bit from time to time, though.

-CREATIVE/ARTISTIC-Whether you play or sing, if you're musical I'm already turned on.  We need to be able to jam together.  Also there's nothing more seductive than a woman who plays music.  If not it's not the end of the world.  If you're an incredible photographer, painter, writer, actor, director...big points.  Artists of all kinds are welcome, especially if we could possibly collaborate on stuff.  Nothing cooler than a couple of lovers who can make stuff together.  


-SPORTS CAN'T BE A DRAG-I will respect you if you don't care for them, but spare me the shrugs and sighs if I want to watch/go to a sporting event.  Sports (especially Basketball) are important to me.  Show some respect.  Also, don't force it by "pretending" to like Sports just to appease me.  I see right through that shit, girl.

-RESPECT SPACE/INDEPENDENCE-If I need some alone time you must respect this.  I will absolutely do the same for you.  In order to be a successful couple folks need to hang on to their individual identities.  The more you become a "blob" of a partnership, the more boring things often get.  I want to go to Barcelona on my own, you want to take a train across the country solo and write...this needs to be okay.  Co-dependent or dependent relationships are unhealthy.  We need to make sure to appreciate our bond without being completely reliant on it for happiness.  It's a partnership, not a crutch.

-DANCE-You MUST enjoy dancing.  The measuring point for me to test whether or not someone is cool is if they dance with feeling.  Even if you aren't the best dancer you need to move with passion.  Feeling is incredibly important to me.


-SEX-No prudes please.  Now, I'm not looking for the slut of the century here, just someone who knows how to move.  If you can dance with feeling you can probably make love with passion.  A lot of guys are happy to have sex with someone because they have a "great body" or they're simply trying to get off.  Sex is only fun for me if it's passionate between both parties.  Gotta know how to work it and enjoy it fully.

-ACCEPTANCE-I am who I am.  In the past I've heard a lot of people talk about how you have to change yourself even if it's ever so slightly to make a relationship work.  I'd like to think that doesn't have to be the case.  If I'm not being respectful that's one thing, but don't make me change the way I wash myself or what shirt I wear or how I chew my food.  If you love me then you have to love me for who I am.  I promise to do the same for you.

- MUSIC (SOUL/FUNK)-Taste in music is extremely important.  You MUST have a love for Soul Music.  Soul has been described as "the music of the heart" and I agree.  If you love Soul Music you probably have a deep connection to your heart, which I value to no end.  This relates back to dancing, as well, because we'll need to be tearing it up to some Soul (and Funk) quite often.  As long as you have a generally good taste in music, no matter the genre, we can still talk.

-THANKFULNESS/OPTIMISM-No Complainers, please.  I need to be with someone who appreciates everything they have in life, things big and small.  Life is only as beautiful as you make it and I can't possibly share my life with someone with a toxic outlook.

-BE RESPECTFUL OF OUR WORLD-So you don't have to go to protests every weekend, but I need to be someone who cares about our social and physical environments.  Intelligence and kindness matter.  No need to be pretentious or braggy about this stuff, just make sure it's vital to your life.

-MOTIVATION-You have to be a generally driven person.  I don't want to come home and find you on the couch watching Mob Wives all day.  A go-getter is my kind of woman, someone who's creating a life for themselves instead of sitting around and waiting for one.

-SELF-IMPROVEMENT-We can always become a better version of ourselves.  I need to share my time with a lover that knows this.  You must continue to be self-aware and try to live up to your full potential.  I know I mentioned accepting each other for who we are, but this is different.  If there is a bad pattern in your life or a portion of your behavior that's limiting you, then it should be dealt with.  Life is one long learning experience and you gotta feel me on that.

So...you know anyone who fulfills these requirments?

Circles

She loved me
Like I love LA
Like LA loves burgers
Like burgers love buns
Like buns love ketchup
Like ketchup loves bottles
Like bottles love messages
Like messages love people
Like people love her.

Sequoias & Love

      This past weekend I went on a journey.  I was joined by a group of friends, some closer than others, but a genuinely fantastic group of people.  It's not easy to put into words what happened and why it was so special, but the trip was one of the greatest experiences in recent memory.
      We hit the road and about four hours later we found ourselves in what seemed like heaven, a living postcard.  Sequoia National Park is a place I could never have found while living in New York.  This was something that kept hitting me all weekend.  My heart often drifts back to what I may be missing back East and things like this are constant reminders that my move out West was a good one.  The park is enormous. The trees, all different shades of greens and purples, are never-ending, draped with sporadic patches of mountains, open meadows and stunning rock formations.  We surrounded the campfire at night, passing a bottle of whiskey around and taking turns complimenting everyone in the group.  It was a perfect way to bring the group closer and prepare us for the following day's experience.
       I was lucky to be a well-travelled kid.  My parents made sure my Sister and I got to see some amazing places.  However, we were never much of an outdoorsy bunch.  We saw the Grand Canyon and natural geysers and redwoods and sat in hot springs in Canada, but never camped and always seemed to see nature from more of a distance.  Not since I backpacked through the Cascade Mountains in WA when I was 18 had I seen the natural beauty of SNP.  It was beyond amazing.
      Our first full day began with one of our hodgepodge meals (tortillas, beans, eggs, cheese, TAPATIO, pop tarts).  We hopped in our cars and headed to Giant Forest and saw some of the most incredible trees I'd ever seen.  Sequoias are not only mammoth, but also a beautiful darkish red, with almost sponge-like bark.  I kept a branch that had fallen, which was so colorful you'd think someone could have painted it.  AND THERE WAS SNOW!!!  I almost cried at the sight.  I wasn't able to get back home this year so it's been a long time since I was able to touch real snow.  There was a huge rock overlooking a field of snow and we all decided to dive off of it.  When I was younger I would have been so scared and probably wouldn't have gone through with it.  This was an awesome reminder about how much I've grown.
     We said our goodbyes to our tree friends and headed back to camp.  Next up was magical journey time.  We brewed some tea and added some "special stuff."  I won't say what because this is a public blog, but we proceeded to let this "stuff" work it's magic.  We then embarked on a mini-hike from gorgeous spot to more gorgeous spot.  The setting felt like a dream, a background for us to laugh and cry and reflect and bond.  Mayer Hawthorne's "Your Easy Lovin' Ain't Pleasin' Nothin'" dropped on us like a bomb of Soul and life just felt right.  It will always remind me of this trip.  I thought to myself that Mayer makes the music I want to eventually make one day.  I must continue to grow as a songwriter.  I must also find my kindred bandmates.  They're out there somewhere.
     The views from our various cliffs were breathtaking, the sun was hitting everything so perfectly.  Then we headed through the woods, only to find a series of waterfalls.  "Enchanted" was the only word I could think of.  Then we moved into the river where my friend and organizer of this trip Lauren baptized me in the water (don't tell the Jew-Gods).  I proceeded to kneel down and run my hands through the cool, running water and thought to myself that nothing mattered in that moment, but my touching of the water.  I felt really tall and strong, remembering that I am a powerful being if I believe I am.  My heart was almost at the point of exploding from joy, humbled by the magnitude of our surroundings.  I sat down on a rock and stared up at a huge rock formation on top of a mountain, pinkish-orange from the sunset.  Then I closed my eyes and reflected on my life up until this point.  How I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.  How proud I am to be me.  How lucky I am to be alive.  How only your present moment matters when you let your ego go.
    We found a red salamander and I immediately connected with him.  I braved the possibility that he may be poisonous and picked the little guy up.  He was beautiful, almost gummy-like, the way he moved over the rock and stretched out.  We spent a good two minutes simply staring into each others' eyes.  I know this sounds like "druggy talk," but we really shared a moment.  My friend Miguel told me that lizards are cold-blooded night creatures and they're always looking for light, a symbol of the search for knowledge.  I now feel a deep connection to lizards.
    The sun went down, we sat around the fire, everyone fairly silent, and I reflected on the day as we all ate gobs of junk food for dinner.  We truly lived out a child's dream (hugging huge trees, jumping off a rock into snow, playing in the woods, coloring with stencils and eating chips/candy for dinner all without parental supervision).  The next day we went on a hike, bathing in various waterfalls, before we hit our car and went back to the real world.
    I am thankful.  For all the loved ones in my life, for the opportunity to keep following my dream career, for the blessings of nature and mostly for the security that continues to grow in myself.  This trip was one of those reminders of how amazing life can be.  The goal now is to try and evoke these same feelings more often in my day-to-day experience.  I know I can do it.  I'm blessed.  Also, I can now spell the word "Sequoia" with ease...so that's pretty cool.

Judging Myself And Why It's So Crazy-Stupid

Dear Judgmental Mind,

You have been knocking on my skull a whole hell of a lot lately.  Like way more than usual.  I have been feebly attempting to compile a character/impression reel and you keep tearing me down.  Look, I know we all have you in our brains and you love to spread across our bodies like Cancer.  First in our heads, then our shoulders, through our chest (past our fragile hearts) and eventually all the way down to our little toes.

Stop telling me that I'm not good enough or that everyone else thinks I'm not good enough.  I am good enough and everyone else's opinions of me don't matter.  I am a strong force, a flurry of skill and I have the power to control you.  I just need to figure out how.

Also, I could use a good lay.

Love,

Feud

2011 Checklist

I used to think resolutions were trite.  Very little seems trite to me anymore, though; just about everything seems important in some way or another.  That being said here are my resolutions for this beautiful year:



-FINISH MY SCREENPLAY

-COMPILE AN SNL REEL 


-GET MY BAND "THE BIG O's" GOING


-MEDITATE MORE


-KEEP WRITING SONGS


-FEAR LESS


-OPEN MYSELF TO FALLING IN LOVE





That about does it.  Here we go, 2011...

Christmas Gift To My Mom & Dad

G       Gaug

What were you thinking

When you held me the first time

Did you wonder who I’d become

In your minds

What did it feel like

To stare into my little eyes

Is it crazy to think

How the years have flown by

I hope you realize

The amazing job you did

All your hard work

Paid beautiful dividends

You made two successes

Which makes you successes yourselves

It was no easy feat

But you did so well

(Chorus)

Amin    E     B7     C       (2^nd time  C----C7)

I’m so lucky

For you both

Grateful for everything

I want you to know

All the sleep that you lost

When I tested your power

From late night cryin’ in my crib

To coming home at all hours

I’m sorry for all the times

Didn’t reach my potential

Your tireless support

Made my failures inconsequential

I’ve seen so many friends

Stop believing in their abilities

I rarely get down on myself

Cause I know you two are there for me

I know I’m oozing sweetness

Please don’t be tart

'Cause I wrote this song for you

A love letter from my heart

(Chorus)

You were there…

When I lost eight teeth

When I fell in the street

When I flunked out of math

When I decided to act

When I cried every day

When I lost my way

When Liam got mints

Through my dress up stints

When I faked being sick

When I was down in the pits

When I wouldn’t come home

Cause I felt so alone

Through Bar Mitzvahs and sports

With love and support

Other parents were not

When I acted like a snot

When I ran 26 miles

With great big smiles

When I was hurt

And I’m glad that you were